Big Sis in Charge (The Goanna)
It was back in the day – y’know, early 2000s
In a weatherboard home you’ll find in Central Queensland,
Surrounded by mulga, galahs, lambstail, and gidyea.
It was woop-woop enough, no one would hear a coo-ee.
On this specific day, Dad was out castrating rams –
Or was fencing the paddocks, or was he checking dams?
Well, whatever it was, he’d headed off at sparrow’s fart,
And Mum was back at home, this close to making a dart.
Now, Dad had the dirtbike, so Mum could take the ol’ ute.
Day in town ahead – excited, she screamed “You Beaut!”
Bub was buckled in safe, so was the ankle-biter,
“Hooroo!” they called to me, and the other half-pinter.
Lil sis was only five, so I was made the big cheese –
Big sis seven-years-old, meant I could do as I pleased.
What happened the day our parents were away,
Mate! I could tell you a tale or two!
If they’d known what had happened, their hair would grey
And my sister and I would be thrown a shoe.
It began with a screech! that made my heart drop,
I immediately ran outside to find,
My sister was there, carrying on like a pork chop,
with a GIANT perentie behind!
He puffed out his chest, and flicked his tail,
Whipped her leg and she let out a wail!
I imagined this lizard
To rip out her gizzards
So…
I ran inside, got out the shotty,
and did my best to blow ‘im to bits!
But all this did was made my sister go potty,
and gave the goanna the shits.
He was angry, and he was mean,
He was redder than his original green.
He came at me with a sharp claw,
I dodged him and he went through the door.
I chased after him, pulled the trigger,
War it was! I was now a Digger.
What happened next, you wouldn’t believe
Would make me regret ever being conceived.
I chased Mr Varanus through each room,
Blasting my way to impending doom.
Reloading each step, aiming at his head,
I would not stop ‘til Lizzy was dead!
He ran in zig-zags, taking the piss,
Every time I aimed, I was sure to miss.
And then he went A over T, on his final embarkment,
One last BANG, and he had carked it.
Next thing you know, I looked around,
I shot through so many walls,
The house was flattened to the ground,
I knew my parents would be appalled.
I looked at my sis, she looked at me and agreed,
Our events today, were no good deed.
When our parents arrived, we’d be up Shit’s Creek without a paddle.
It best be to pack our bags and skedaddle.
Sadly, we took too long to vanish,
And knew the punishment wouldn’t be “Banish”,
We heard a rumble from down the track,
The sound of a parent on their way back.
Home, Dad was first, the look on his face,
The regret of no snip, the look of disgrace.
So he took off his leather belt,
Told me “bend-over” as he’d leave a big welt.
The last thing that happened, I let out a scream,
But was quickly relieved, it was only a dream.